It is kind of ironic I think that a lot of my children have had friends who have "come out of the closet" to me. Why me? I don't know but I am grateful they trusted me with such a signficant event in their lives. I have had the responsibility of discussing how this will change their lives and some of the stuff, socially and personally, they will go through. One of the main topics they always bring up is that one or more of their parents are (or will) not talk to them. I tryto explain that the parents are going through a greiving process. When our children are brought to us, whether through birth, adoption, or other means; we have a vision of their future, you know, growing up, getting married, having kids, becoming _____, etc, etc;. But now that is not happening. The parents grieve or mourn the future and the child they thought they had. Then they begin to love the person they really to have. I can't say the parents always accept who the new person is because sometimes they cannot diferenciate the difference between the person and the lifestyle. And that is sad really.
I have discovered recently that this type of mourning or grieveing is across the board. It is not just for parents with kids coming out of the closet, it is for any parent who now faces a different future than the one they expected. I have the experience through the mentally handicapped challenges that my children are going through.
When our two youngest came to us we knew at least one of them was diagnosed with a mental and physical disability and we already had his future in mind. We knew our new daughter was probably affected too and somewhat altered what her future would be like too. However, we were not prepared to lump Eric, our 7 year old into that mix. We have had him since he was 3 month old. I already had his future "planned" out. On Tuesday, that ideal came to a crashing halt. that is the day we met with one of only 3 or 4 specialists in the State of Nevada who are trained to diagnose FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome). Eric and out two other children share the same birth mother. During the course of our appointment she talked about how FAS will manifest itself (if not already diagnosed by facial features earlier) between the ages of 7 and 8 on up. She started telling us the classic behaviors of these children who had FAS. I would have sworn she just spent a day with Eric and was descrbing him to a T!!! She hit every nail on the head as far as behavior goes and what to watch for. Then she laid out what is potentially in store for him from this point on. If at 15 he wants to sleep at a friends house we need to ask ourselves if we would let a 7 year old do it. If the answer is no, then don't let him. From this point on, his reasoning age will start staying about half of what his chronological age is. If he wants to go to the movies that we need to sit 3 rows behind him, to make sure his phone number is in all of his clothing so when he is on the school bus and a kid nest to him says something like "you are fun, you should come over" my child with get off the bus with him, stuff like that. It is hard to imagine that he would be like that. I did not plan for that to happen. However, IF he follows the pattern this is what it has the very real potential to be. His body will continue to grow but his decision making skills will be that of a 7 to 10 year old. The doctor also said we will come across criticism in the guise of "parenting techniques" from others. she said we will hear stuff like "you smother that child", 'you need to give him/her space to learn to make decisions", "you need to stop being so controlling or bossy", "you should back off of the kid". She said that we will hear those things but the fact is you cannot do those things because that would be detrimental to your child. Like taking a little kid to the mall and letting him free by himself.
Anyway, Eric does not have a diagnosis yet, we have already started some of the process for assessment and could take up to a year for the full package to be done. However, based on what we have seen and what Dr. Kinman told us, I already know that we will be adjusting our outlook of Eric's future. I need to teach him to live in the world he is comfortable living in, and not the world I expected him to live in. Did I grieve? You betcha! But now I have a whole new future to plan and look forward too! Different from the other one but one just as equally important!
As one final point though, if you know anyone who is pregnant or trying to get pregnant, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell them not to drink AT ALL!!! Alcohol is a solvent and the fetus just marinates in the solvent and it destroys so many growth and neuro cells. It does not matter if it is one night of partying or a whole pregnancy of partying. Depending on what is forming at the point is what is being damaged.
