Do you ever wish you could be something you are not?

If you answered "no" to that question then I say "you go Girl (or guy)!!". I, on the other hand, cannot answer no. I love my life and it is a good life. I like who I am. Sometimes, I just don't like "how" I am. There are things about me that I wish I could change. Things like how I handle money, or how I have no couth, or how I step on toes and feelings. It's not as if I enjoy doing ridiculous stuff, it just seems to come to me naturally...and I hate it. But yet I do it.

My saving grace is that my family loves me and accepts me. They don't always like me when I do things, and I can't blame them, but they love me because they know it is not something I do to be hurtful. I am grateful for them and for the forgiveness they extend me continously.

Thank you and I love you.

Happy Anniversary!

Today is my 30th wedding anniversary! Okay, it is Orey's too :) We are not doing anything sectacular today because we have enjoyed an anniversary "season" it seems. The highlight was when the kids threw a surprise anniversary party for us. That was amazing and so very wonderful! Thank you kids for that wonderful gift.

The special thing that I will do today to celebrate 30 years married to a wonderful man who just happens to be my soulmate, it to reflect on the events of all those years. Both bad and good. I will think of our families, our family we created together, the friends we have made and lost throughout the years, the decisions we made in life to get where we are and so forth. That should take the whole week or more :)

If you are reading this then you probably know us and are a part of our history. Thank you for being a part of something so wonderful that my greatest wish is that everyone would be able to experience this.

Here's to another 30 years times a billion or more!!!!!!!

I Can't Imagine

I can't imagine what it must feel like to have someone come up to you and tell you that you will lose your child. You are not a fit parent and it does not look good. Then hand you the baby to love on for an hour. How does that feel to hold that precious baby in your arms not knowing when the last time you will hold him will be. My heart aches for this mother. I love her and have much compassion for her. At the end of the hour, that someone literally had to remove the baby from your arms because you don't want to let him go. I wonder how different her life would be if she had the life she (and every child) truly deserves. On the other hand, how different my life would be....incomplete.

I pray for blessings of comfort and peace on her. I would like it if you would do the same. She needs the prayers....and the love. I am grateful she loves her children enough to want a better life for them. I am grateful she chose me to be their mother. Thank you L...with all my heart! I love you.

Life is Good!

There really isn't much more the say than that. Boring, but true.

The conculsion of "Stupid Games".

Yay! It is DONE! The issue is resolved. They finally took their ball and went home :)

I can's say I am overly pleased with their technique for this outcome but it is much better than what they thought was going to happen. I guess they did not figure they had a strong enough case so they went a different route that helps them save face and does not damage me in any way.

Thanks to those of you who supported me. I really appreciate it. Hopefully, I won't need that support again :)

My Hero

I will tell you a story about a young woman I know. She happens to work in an area that deals with little kids. She was telling me about a little boy whom she suspected was being abused, in some of the worst ways a little 4 year old can be. She said she kept hearing the other adults say "One more incident and I am turning them in" and stuff like that. Well, something happened that confirmed her suspicions, and yet again, the same old comments from the experienced adults of the group. She had enough. She wanted this baby to be safe and protected so she did what the other adults were afraid to do. She got involved. Suffice it to say the baby is in another home now and seems to be taken care of. She saw him today and he was not filthy and was not starving.

I admire this young lady! Thank you for being an example. That little boy does not know it yet, and my never know it, but you probably saved his life. If not literally, then at least a life from prison and worse. I want to be like you when I grow up.

You are my HERO!!!!

Good Dreams

I love good dreams. The kind that are vivid and involve emotions. I had one of those last night. It was great! There was dialogue and hugging and I got to see Deborah as well as a bunch of other family members. It was great! Of course, as with most of my dreams, there was some weirdness in there too. It also had (who I think was) Holly Madison in it. Again, Weird. Any who, it was a good one. The only down part...it was in THE house which I hate dreaming about. However, this time it wasn't spooky and I wasn't alone so that seems like a good sign for a change :)

My Reason for Taking Responsibility

Yet again, I find myself taking responsibility for something I did not do. Recently I was blamed for something that I am not quite sure about. I was told by the person I betrayed that I knew what it was and was given a vague reference. The thing referenced could have spanned many years of information. So, instead of denying I did it, I took the responsibility for it.

"Why?", you might ask. Well let me tell you. I figured, "what the heck", I had already been found guilty of it and was already being punished for it so why bother? Plus, I wasn't asked. I was told that I did it. Why fight a lost battle?

The most important reason, I love my parents and want them to be happy.

However, if my taking responsibility gives the injured person a sense of relief, then I am happy to do it. I care deeply for this person and would not intentionally hurt this person. However, if I have, then I humbly apologize and would gladly, publicly, take the blame to ease her hurt.

Pride is such a small price to pay to make sure others feel good.

That is all I will ever say on this subject.

Still waiting...

So, my last post talked about the games people play. I just want to update that we are still waiting for some kind of movement to get this taken care of. I spoke to one of the parties involved and she said nothing has been sent over yet. It could be months. MONTHS!!!! I think it is ridiculous that there is not a time limit on this type of thing. One would think so. Oh well. She said not to worry about it.....right.

Anyway, that is the update.

Stupid Games

Don't you just love it when you become an unwilling player in someone's ridiculous, childish, asanine, stupid game? Then they talk about you behind your back to people. Brother. Sometimes it doesn't matter how far you are out of gradeschool, someone always makes you feel like you are back in 3rd grade with them. Heavy sigh. Only good thing as far as I can see is that usually, what goes around, comes around....eventually.

Hopefully, all will turn out well. We'll see.

What a week!

What a week! It has been an incredibly emotional week. We brought a new baby into our family. It is an adopted child's biological sibling. As you know, we are already have two other of his siblings we are adopting. The baby was less than 2 days old when we brought him home. That was last Wednesday. On Tuesday, I found out that one of my friend's from DMV passed away. He was about a week away from turning 50. Also on Tuesday, my dad went into the hospital because we thought he was having a heart attack. We found out he had more than just that going on. However, he had some surgery and all is better now. On Thursday, I discovered there is a good probability that we will not be able to keep the baby we picked up. That breaks my heart but that is all part of the process. We have been back and forth to Reno more this last week and a half then I think we have been all of last year :)

I have an amazing support group that I could not have survived this week without. I appreciate Erica for her support of bringing food to my family during this time as well as running errands for me and offering to bring food and companionship to the hospital for me. You are an amazing woman and friend. Suzan, thank you for your love and support. I know I can count on your friendship always. Thank you Orey for making sure I have everything I need to be with my parents and sister and not have to worry about taking care of things at home. You have, and always will be, my rock. Thanks to Deborah, Tyler and Seth for your vigilant prayers for Tata. And also for offering to drive down to be here. Thanks Keithy for offering to drive home to see Gpa and to make sure I am fine. Thank you Maura for offering to come down for as long as I needed to help out at the house. I am glad it was not necessary because I know you have been feeling morning sickness (all day long) and you have a busy house yourself. Rebekah and Alexander, thank you for coming over to take care of the kids when dad and I could not be there. Marina, thank you so much! Dad and I could not have survived this week without your amazing help. I cannot express how much we appreciate it. From picking up kids, to making sure they were fed, staying up with the baby and so forth. I thank all of you for your prayers and continuous requests for updates.

Thanks to my mom for the lunch and dinner dates in the hospital cafeteria. Thanks to my sister Maura for remembering that I like cups of ice :)

Oh, and thanks to dad for getting better. That I really appreciate!

I knew I had a blessed life but times like these just reaffirms what the Lord has put in place in my life.

Life Changes

It is kind of ironic I think that a lot of my children have had friends who have "come out of the closet" to me. Why me? I don't know but I am grateful they trusted me with such a signficant event in their lives. I have had the responsibility of discussing how this will change their lives and some of the stuff, socially and personally, they will go through. One of the main topics they always bring up is that one or more of their parents are (or will) not talk to them. I tryto explain that the parents are going through a greiving process. When our children are brought to us, whether through birth, adoption, or other means; we have a vision of their future, you know, growing up, getting married, having kids, becoming _____, etc, etc;. But now that is not happening. The parents grieve or mourn the future and the child they thought they had. Then they begin to love the person they really to have. I can't say the parents always accept who the new person is because sometimes they cannot diferenciate the difference between the person and the lifestyle. And that is sad really.

I have discovered recently that this type of mourning or grieveing is across the board. It is not just for parents with kids coming out of the closet, it is for any parent who now faces a different future than the one they expected. I have the experience through the mentally handicapped challenges that my children are going through.

When our two youngest came to us we knew at least one of them was diagnosed with a mental and physical disability and we already had his future in mind. We knew our new daughter was probably affected too and somewhat altered what her future would be like too. However, we were not prepared to lump Eric, our 7 year old into that mix. We have had him since he was 3 month old. I already had his future "planned" out. On Tuesday, that ideal came to a crashing halt. that is the day we met with one of only 3 or 4 specialists in the State of Nevada who are trained to diagnose FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome). Eric and out two other children share the same birth mother. During the course of our appointment she talked about how FAS will manifest itself (if not already diagnosed by facial features earlier) between the ages of 7 and 8 on up. She started telling us the classic behaviors of these children who had FAS. I would have sworn she just spent a day with Eric and was descrbing him to a T!!! She hit every nail on the head as far as behavior goes and what to watch for. Then she laid out what is potentially in store for him from this point on. If at 15 he wants to sleep at a friends house we need to ask ourselves if we would let a 7 year old do it. If the answer is no, then don't let him. From this point on, his reasoning age will start staying about half of what his chronological age is. If he wants to go to the movies that we need to sit 3 rows behind him, to make sure his phone number is in all of his clothing so when he is on the school bus and a kid nest to him says something like "you are fun, you should come over" my child with get off the bus with him, stuff like that. It is hard to imagine that he would be like that. I did not plan for that to happen. However, IF he follows the pattern this is what it has the very real potential to be. His body will continue to grow but his decision making skills will be that of a 7 to 10 year old. The doctor also said we will come across criticism in the guise of "parenting techniques" from others. she said we will hear stuff like "you smother that child", 'you need to give him/her space to learn to make decisions", "you need to stop being so controlling or bossy", "you should back off of the kid". She said that we will hear those things but the fact is you cannot do those things because that would be detrimental to your child. Like taking a little kid to the mall and letting him free by himself.

Anyway, Eric does not have a diagnosis yet, we have already started some of the process for assessment and could take up to a year for the full package to be done. However, based on what we have seen and what Dr. Kinman told us, I already know that we will be adjusting our outlook of Eric's future. I need to teach him to live in the world he is comfortable living in, and not the world I expected him to live in. Did I grieve? You betcha! But now I have a whole new future to plan and look forward too! Different from the other one but one just as equally important!

As one final point though, if you know anyone who is pregnant or trying to get pregnant, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell them not to drink AT ALL!!! Alcohol is a solvent and the fetus just marinates in the solvent and it destroys so many growth and neuro cells. It does not matter if it is one night of partying or a whole pregnancy of partying. Depending on what is forming at the point is what is being damaged.

Nothing Significant

This post has nothing significant in it but thought I should update my page.

So far 2011 has not been remarkable in any oustanding way. Just the standard way, which I am totally grateful for.

Today was a good day. I believe today is the first day since the beginning of the year that we have not had any one in the family ill due to flu or other malady of that sort. Alexander was sick because he stayed out and "partied" too much last night. Other than that we didn't have any puking, gagging, coughing (other than standard allergy stuff), diarrhea, crankiness, fever, rust to the urgent care, flooping, or any other of the myriad of things we have been experiencing the last two weeks. It was really nice. I actually got about an hour nap. My family always knows when I am over the line on tiredness because they take one look and I start tearing up or outright crying. That has been my way lately. But, I am good now and life is happy again.

I love my family very much. I forgot what it is like to be the mother of several young people who can't take care of themselves. Funny how a year ago I would just hop in the shower and think nothing of it. Now, I have to get a babysitter (one of the sibs since Orey and I seem to be on separate schedules and hardly see each other) just to take a shower. They are fewer now adays and totally appreciated when they happen! Just thought I would throw that TMI out there for you :)

WEll, in spite of all of that my 2011 is really off to a good start and I do appreciate the blessings that have come my way.

RIP 2010, Welcome 2011

Dear 2010,

Rest in Peace. You deserve it after working sooo hard. I say good riddance to the bad, thank you to the good, and here's to hope for the future!

2010 brought many wonderful events and people into the Crounk family life. We have truly been blessed and I cannot imagine it being even more so in 2011. However, the Lord has a way of of making me feel like each year that has just passed has been the best to date. I hope the pattern continues.

To you and yours, I hope so many good things happen to you that that you are so tickled pink that it makes you laugh so hard you wet your pants!